


i'm not looking for a saviour, i just need somebody (telling me i'm not in this alone)

by Thakh_Gaii



Series: lost in a dream i had when i was young (no, i never woke up from it) [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Awesome friendships, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Coming of Age, Gen, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Hurt/Comfort, Muggle Life, Muggle Studies, Original Muslim character(s) - Freeform, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26694421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thakh_Gaii/pseuds/Thakh_Gaii
Summary: James Sirius Potter knows his brother.(Or, well, he did)He knew Albus Severus Potter because he’s been there since forever.James was there when his brother was a baby, a mess of black hair, pale skin, a near copy of his dad.Albus was a two kilo lump of laughter, small, meaty hands and love in his gaze, once upon a time.James was there when Albus was five, crawling into his bed because he was scared after Teddy told a scary story. He’d promised, a decade ago, that he would be there forever and ever, like a good big brother should.(It’s hilarious, in a horrible, gut-wrenching way, how easy it was to forget that promise after losing his brother to green and red, silver and gold, snakes and lions)James and Albus figure each other out after the events of the Cursed Child, and James finds himself too, a little bit.
Relationships: Albus Severus Potter & James Sirius Potter & Lily Luna Potter, James Sirius Potter & Lily Luna Potter, James Sirius Potter & Original Female Character(s), Queerplatonic Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy & Albus Severus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy & Albus Severus Potter & James Sirius Potter & Lily Luna Potter, Teddy Lupin & James Sirius Potter
Series: lost in a dream i had when i was young (no, i never woke up from it) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942549
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	i'm not looking for a saviour, i just need somebody (telling me i'm not in this alone)

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title and series name from 'Freak Like Me' by Transviolet

James Sirius Potter knows his brother. ( _ Or, well, he  _ did)

He knew Albus Severus Potter because he’s been there since forever.

James was there when his brother was a baby, a mess of black hair, pale skin, a near copy of his dad.

Albus was a two kilo lump of laughter, small, meaty hands and love in his gaze, once upon a time.

James was there when Albus was five, crawling into his bed because he was scared after Teddy told a scary story. He’d promised, a decade ago, that he would be there forever and ever, like a good big brother should. 

(It’s hilarious, in a horrible, gut-wrenching way, how easy it was to forget that promise after losing his brother to green and red, silver and gold, snakes and lions)

...

The first time he saw Albus after he went missing ( _ three times in one year, how in bloody hell- _ ) was in the hospital wing, nearly a week since he came back home, as he was being checked for any residual damage. Scorpius was nearby (he always is, these days, it’s impossible to imagine a teenaged Albus without the Malfoy kid trailing along), looking at James like he was assessing him for threats.

It hits him, in that moment, that Scorpius has every right to do that. 

Albus kicks him in the mid thigh, because that’s where his feet can reach him from the bed. He’s got a guarded expression on, fully aware that this interaction could spin in two very different directions. It hurts to know that his presence warrants that expression, but Lily’s coming soon and that helps the ache in his chest. If there’s anything that his sister can do that nobody else can, it's to set the family at ease.

“Hey.” he says, trying for his usual confident smirk. He knows it falls flat because Albus doesn’t roll his eyes as he would’ve done if James had pulled it off.

“What d’you want?” Asks his brother, cautiously, dark jade coloured eyes looking up at him, narrowed, suspicious.

“Nothing. How’s life?” He asks, shrugging his shoulders, trying for something neutral.

“About as okay as life can get after--” Albus cuts himself off, a scared (scarred, like Dad) look in his eyes, and Scorpius (who’s sharing the bed out of a ‘mutual need to stay close’, apparently) puts one of his arms (fresh with new scars) around James’s brother, never moving his head from its place on Albus’s shoulder. 

For a moment, it looks like he wants to say something, but he stops himself, presses closer to Scorpius (he doesn’t know another set of friends this touchy-feely) and asks James how  _ he’s _ doing. As if he didn’t want to elaborate.

And that was okay. So James simply filled the space with as much idle chatter as possible, Lily noticing the vibe in the room and playing along, until visiting hours are over and the light seems to have returned, at least a little bit, to his baby brother’s eyes.

...

Albus isn’t the same after fourth year ends. Anyone with at least half a functioning eye can see that.

It’s in the way he carries himself. Once upon a time, he’d taken to the bullying in relative stride, never truly letting it bother him. Now he kept his head down, did his best to stay with Scorpius at all times and bury himself in studies, as his exam marks showed. He doesn’t seem to acknowledge that his bullies (James’s friends) even exist. 

(The invisibility cloak that he’d lost shows up on his bed, and he knows Albus gave it back, because he’s the only family member to never leave a damn note)

James does his best to spend more time with Albus, but the two year’s difference proves to be dead against that idea, with only fleeting moments, barest nods of acknowledgement to communicate.

(If Emika, Nick and Caleb have figured out that he’s been intentionally avoiding them for the last few months of term, they don’t bring it up.)

James finds himself spending more and more time with Teddy and his friend Nimah, a Ravenclaw with a seventh-year Slytherin sister who teaches him the difference between a Hijab and a Shayla for his Muggle Studies’s ‘Religion’ unit, showing off her own. He thinks she’s really cool, even if he doesn’t yet understand how ‘aromanticism’ works yet. He’ll get there.

Albus, however, sticks to Scorpius like metaphorical glue, and Scorpius proves to do the same.

It shows, because in school, it's easy to ignore. But at the train station, there were tight hugs and hurried promises to write, and Albus further and further on edge during the drive home. Owls from the two writing to each other come in four or five times a week, and Lily avoids her older brother, under the pretense of him ‘being too strange’.

Well, had James been in position a year ago, he might have said the very same.

...

It’s a conscious effort to be nicer to Albus, and be nicer around him, and James knows that it's an effort now because he didn’t realise all this time that so much of what he does or condones is on a basis of causing pain, or benefiting from it. He pestered Mum and Dad endlessly back then, trying to be the people he’s named after all the time. He’s forgotten, then, that they weren’t just the Marauders, they were also The Order of The Phoenix. They would’ve been disappointed in him, now.

  
  


Mum and Dad notice, and they corner him in his bedroom, sitting where Albus did all those years ago and ask him if he’s alright, or if he’s had any attacks lately. 

They know what happened the last time that they allowed a son to change that much so fast.

He doesn’t say anything, he just smiles and makes a ‘shoo!’-ing gesture like he usually does. That placates them enough, apparently, because they leave, ruffling his hair and telling him not to get into too much trouble over these hols.

Later that night, when he’s one hundred percent sure that the rest of his family’s asleep, he’s woken up.

By screaming.

It’s in the next room (Albus’s), so he isn’t sure anyone else heard, and when he leaves his bedroom in the invisibility cloak that Albus returned (unexplained, without context) and into his brother’s, and what he sees is his brother, his strange, odd, sometimes intimidating little brother muffling tears, moonlight peeking from the curtains illuminating his blanket-buried form. 

It hurts to watch, so he plops down next to Albus, waiting for him to ride it out. It’s not like talking worked last time.

Albus eventually, in what feels like hours (it’s been maybe five minutes), rolls over, red-eyed and filled with shame, because how could he let his mean, idiot brother see him like this? At least, that’s what James thinks he’s thinking. Thinking is exhausting. No wonder Albus and Dad always look so tired.

(He realises that Al has looked like that since second year, at least, and it stings)

James shrugs, and just stays. He won’t move, not till Albus tells him to. It’s what Mum used to do for him back when he had anxiety attacks. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t stare, just sits there and watches the curtains sway a little in the wind while his thoughts race, almost till his head spins and spins and spins till he feels like he’s on those amusement park rides Aunt Hermione keeps talking about and on and on and on and on andonandonandon--

He’s brought out of the spiral, when Albus tugs on the hem of his shirt, like he did when he was five. But it's hesitant, now, as if he thinks that James will say no.

He won’t. Not again.

Albus settles himself in the crook of his brother’s neck, and stares at the same patch of curtain that James is. That curtain is truly getting a lot of attention.

They stay that way till morning, and when James finally gets up to leave with a new crick in his neck due to Lily calling for breakfast, he swears he sees a small smile on his brother’s face.

An idea begins to form, and he shoots off an owl to Nimah and Teddy.

...

The three of them- James, Albus and Lily are alone today, with Dad being busy with the aftermath of Delphi’s case and Mum having a match, and all other adults away. 

(James is of age now, so he figures that  _ he _ is the grown-up. He doesn’t feel like it.)

They’re all lounging around, since they have to stay together in case reporters come, and refuse to let them in.

James sees Lily curl up next to Albus, watching The Owl House on his laptop, since the house had almost no magic usage anyway, and electronics worked.

They’re both smiling, and it makes him smile too.

He thinks (hopes) that they’ll all be alright.

...

_ Why are you being so nice to me?  _

It’s the note that James sees first on his bed.

And he looks at it. For minutes, hours, he may never know. Because he knows why, because the way Albus looks is too similar to Dad and his brother is _ too young for this, by Dumbledore-- _

He almost has an attack right there. He doesn’t, but it’s a very close thing.

It’s because of so many reasons.

Albus doesn’t know (will never know) how badly James fell apart without him, how James didn’t realise how much he needed that steady presence of his brother, quiet and brooding, the blue to his red and Lily the purple balancing them out.

Albus doesn’t know how the hole in his life made him think about everyone he’s pushed away, but by choice. How he let Teddy go, because he was the Hufflepuff dork, how he tried to distance himself from Lily and leave Albus alone after all the teasing, all his nightmares actually came true.

How he let himself become hollow, and spend time with other hollowed-out people, and how Albus being gone broke the illusion of fullness that he’d made for himself.

How Albus coming home is slowly starting to put him back together, little by little, even if it means breaking a little bit more.

He doesn’t write those things. He doesn’t think he ever will.

Instead, he writes something a lot simpler, but no less real. (He’s been doing his best to feel more real lately. He’d almost forgotten from all the pretending.)

_ Because you’re my brother, and losing you made me remember that. _

Next time he and Albus make eye contact, Albus grins, a little close to the five-year-old who smiled like that.

…

They’re all on the train for Hogwarts, for James, it’s the last time he ever will be. He knows what he wants to do, and he’s even started taking night classes with Nimah, because their paths just happened to line up, plus she was a muggleborn and knew how to keep electronics safe, even in school, so everyone wins.

It’s hard for sure, doing NEWT levels in the day, spending time with Albus and his family in the interim, and doing classes till midnight online, but he and Nimah pull through. If anything, they’re closer because of it.

…

“Teddyyyyyyyyyyyy, we’re deaaaaad.”

That was him and Nimah. James himself had just finished his last board exam for that year, officially having all the credits for university, even if that involves genuinely stupid amouns of pepperup potion.

Teddy groans. He’s dealt with too much of this, and James can see the worry lines forming even with the floo system. He feels a bit bad, honestly.

“Yes, I know you’re dead, now let me work in peace!”

“Sorry Ted.”

That’s another Pepperup potion then. Do the house elves know how to make red bull?

(They do, and he feels his veins thrumming all day long, Al shooting him weird looks throughout.)

…

James is on his way to the Astronomy tower for the night, because the signal is best there for his classes, when he sees Al walking up to him, not even in his dressing gown, just pajamas, looking shaken.

Before James can say anything, his little brother leaps to hug him, clutching his sweater like it’s the only thing keeping him grounded.

He learns through stuttered speech, that Al and Scorpius had a fight, something about their time in the maze (James doesn’t know the details of that night, doesn’t want to) and now he doesn’t know what to do because James for some reason is the only other human being that Albus trusts with this, and doesn’t that sting? 

James learns that night, the details of all of his little brother’s disappearances, the night in Godric’s Hollow, and everything in between, even the damned list.

James doesn’t attend night classes that night. Instead, he follows Al’s lead to the Slytherin common room, watches him and Scorpius make up, and holds them both as they cry.

(He cries plenty, too)

…

James Sirius Potter’s last year of Hogwarts is a blur, of sleepless nights, catching up on subjects he was meant to learn back in first year, taking care of his siblings (and sometimes being taken care of), Hogsmeade Weekends with Nimah (and Teddy, if he had a break), and trying to separate James, the theater obsessed boy who got anxiety attacks and loves his best friend Nimah like a sister and loves his siblings to utter pieces from the expected legacy of Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley: Sporty, perfect, short tempered.

He likes James better.

When the time comes at the end of the year, to get acceptance letters from ministry departments, or internships across the wizarding world, James gets a letter, delivered to James Evans, with a scholarship to Garrison University, in the middle of New York, a muggle school known for its Psychology and Astronomy courses. He’s majoring in both, because the nights in the astronomy tower with his best friend have had him fall in love with the stars as well.

Nimah plops next to him on the Gryffindor table, identical scholarship in hand because they applied together, and she sits right next to him, pressing up and kicking her shins back and forth, chatting animatedly, Hijab reflecting the candlelight above. He stays next to her, nodding along, lacing their hands together.

Albus and Scorpius come up to them, hand-in-hand (as always, and it feels warm to think instead of like he’s been stung), and ask him about the muggle school, and how he did it.

Lily isn’t there-- She, Rose and Hugo are out with Molly and Fred for an end-of-year tea, and Teddy is coming to get the rest of them soon.

It’s a chaotic march up to the astronomy tower, the one place that Dad refuses to go (because even though Al and Dad are doing better now, they still don’t know how to exist with each other properly yet), and they all lie down, spread-eagled, and tell stories and laugh and laugh and laugh and everything is beautiful.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So... that's my first fic for the Cursed Child!
> 
> Thanks yall for putting up with my hiatus, but I am working on SevenTale more now, so yay!
> 
> In the meantime, enjoy this series!  
> Comments are AWESOME


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